Sometimes it feels like there’s a trembling child inside me, even though I see a bearded man staring back at me from the mirror these days. One fun game is to let the little boy speak, instead of pretending he’s not there. This is a good game to play, because I’ve noticed as soon as I start pretending, faking it, the reality surrounding me seems to know somehow, like a shark smells blood in the water. At this, it immediately sets about the task of making me honest again, which often involves getting humbled in some way. Humbled: comes from the Latin root humilis (on the ground), which comes from humus (the earth, the soil). In other words, if I’m not being real – expressing my truest self in each moment – the intelligence of life will, sooner or later, bring me back down into the truthful dirt, the dirt from which I came, the dirt that feeds the food I eat, the dirt I will someday become again.
So, how to stay real? How to root down deep into the dirt of my truth instead of getting body slammed back into it after a trip up into the clouds? One way: let the little child inside me speak.
“I have no idea what I’m doing. Not a clue. Nothing but blankness.”
“I’m scared. Like, really fucking scared.”
“But what if it’s lonely? What if it hurts? What if I fail?”
Even just giving voice to the fear, the frailty, it helps. No answers needed. But sometimes answers do arise, from the old man inside. That’s the next level of this game, the expansion pack. The old man always offers something.
“You don’t need to know what you’re doing. You’re already doing it. It’s like breathing. You don’t need to know how, you just do. So keep breathing. Keep being you, and all the rest will follow.”
“And it’s okay to be scared. Nothing wrong with that. Allow it. Don’t pretend you’re not. Really be scared. But watch it, at the same time. Watch the fear. Where does it come from? How does it change? Where does it go when it’s gone, and what is it, anyway? What actually is it? Can you track it like that? Can you pin it down? You won’t be able to, because it’s a ghost in your head, a temporary state of mind, and its power over you is directly related to how much you believe it is real. Real, as in: the truth. The truth, as in: that which you are here to discover. So again, just keep breathing. Let your breath take you there.”
“And the question isn’t, ‘What if it’s lonely?’ because it will be lonely sometimes. Simply. Unavoidably. That’s just a part of it. Rather, the question is: ‘What to do with the loneliness when it comes?’ Here’s what: as soon as you accept it, it won’t be so unbearable, won’t be something you spend your entire life trying to escape. It’s just an experience, and the fear of it is another mind-ghost that very well might disappear when you take a good look at it. Embrace your loneliness. So much easier that way.”
“And ‘What if it hurts?’ you ask. It will hurt. Start the process of accepting that now, and spare yourself the dreadful anticipation. Watch your fear again. Fear begins somewhere with the rejection of pain, the belief that there might be some way to avoid it, by isolating yourself or deceiving others or hurting them before they hurt you. Or maybe a drug will do the trick, or some heady philosophy, or a guru with all the answers, or a lover. Fear can become the motivator for anything if you haven’t accepted that pain and disintegration are a part of being human. The You that’s in an active and compassionate relationship with your pain is the You that will set you free and connect you with every human being on the earth. The other you that refuses to accept your pain, your vulnerability, is the you that fears and suffers in isolation.”
“And your final question: ‘What if I fail?’ Oh, my sweet, trembling child. There’s no such thing as failure. There’s only experience. There’s only learning. It comes in different forms, but it is all equal, and it is all sacred.”
So I’ve been playing that game tonight – the little boy and the old man hashing it out in the silence of my empty apartment. And now it’s late, and certainly time to sleep. I’m heading out early for harvest work at this vegetable farm tomorrow, walking around barefoot in the dirt all day.
You always bring light to my day and my journey…beautiful post, Andrew. Here’s to feet in the dirt…
Wow, this was just what I needed ton hear today. Thanks!
We miss you!!
Andrew, this is a wonderful sharing! It reminds me exactly of the Inner Child and Inner Family work I learned from my teacher Lucia Capacchione, PhD. You are such a wise soul. All the best and much love to you. …J*
Andrew,
I’ve been following your blog for a few years now, always in silence but always profoundly moved by your posts.
But now I just have to say how directly you spoke to my soul–addressing the things I’m struggling with right now, but then saying the things that I know the “old woman” in me is saying. I’m just not listening.
Putting your work out into the world is never easy, but please know, Andrew, that it is so necessary for people to read your words. Thank you. Thank you.
-M
Thanks, Mirtha. So glad it landed.
Whoa, Andrew. I wish you lived closer so I could wrap you in a bear hug and then shake you by the shoulders. xxx
Soon, I hope! But first, Skype?
Beautiful
Very thought-provoking!
You spoke to my child and she felt hugged.
Such honesty and wisdom, brought a tear. Thank you human. Would you like to join my writing group?
Fuck uou
Good post, spoke to me. Right in the midst of things; thanks!
Love this.. Completely get it!
Delightful
Amazingly written
And yes Its alrite to get scared,coz we all are mortal and pain demands to be felt
Beautiful. This post really got me thinking, thank you!
“And your final question: ‘What if I fail?’ Oh, my sweet, trembling child. There’s no such thing as failure. There’s only experience. There’s only learning. It comes in different forms, but it is all equal, and it is all sacred.”
This is so beautiful. And I so needed to hear it tonight. A nod (and a hug) to the writer behind the ‘old man.’
exactly what i needed. thanks.
always,
jae
xo
One word:AWESOME
Beautiful, thank you for this tidbit of wisdom
Reblogged this on The Missal.
This brought me so much clarity and peace tonight. Thank you!
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Nice post
Sincerely loved it !!
I love the stories about reminiscing about the olds days as a kid. I sometimes think about what if I could go back and be a kid again. Love your story. Nashvillephotogblog.wordpress.com
Beautiful post.
I like this post. I can identify with your fears of failure and rejection. I like how you made time for your inner child. We should all do it more often.
B’ful. Loved it 🙂
Thanks, Andrew! All so true–our younger self is often so obsessed with judgments and labels (like failure and loneliness) that we overlook what wise, old souls like yours know: the richness of experience, both pleasant and unpleasant, and the growth that comes through it matter so much more than those labels. Or our own comfort. Great post, sir.
My heart is smiling. How lucky are we to have both a younger, wild self and an older wise self.
What beautiful writing. This resonated with me on such a deep level. I’ve always felt such a pressure to deny the “inner child,” what an interesting experiment to embrace it.
Very interesting dialogue and point of view. Sometimes the answers we’re looking for are right in front of us – just need to take the time to work them out within us.
-Ophelia
https://thoughtswithdildo.wordpress.com/
Beautiful post. Really resonates with where I am in life.
AMAZING!!! It just touched my heart:):);)
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I think I killed my child long time ago.
Wow, such raw honesty here. One thought comes to mind: maybe your child is alive, and the thing you killed was your willingness to let the child speak. Working to cultivate that willingness. I don’t know, just a thought. Sending you my very best.
No, it isn’t dead. Try asking the child a question, and letting it answer with a pencil in your non dominant hand. As long as we are alive, the child is alive as well.
Interesting… I will try…. Thks
Literally awesome! Great inspiration for everyone
Wow that’s such a beautiful post! 🙂 I really like it
Reblogged this on stephellaneous and commented:
This post couldn’t have been timelier (more timely?) for me to read. And I’m so glad I stumbled upon it. I relate to a freakish degree with the author, as my little girl and old woman frequently hash things out in the silence of my emptiness. I needed these words today. And who knows, maybe you do, too.
Great pen. I will be very glad to know you.
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I am facing very difficult choices lately, and this post just reminded me how futile most of my hesitations are. Let’s be that kid too.
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Good post
Beautiful
This is stunningly beautiful, Thank you for writing ☺
Wow, this hits so true for so many people. Thank you, I have needed this…
this is really a good one 🙂
Wow very inspiring and powerful post! You can read my posts for any inspiration, motivation or fashion tips! Once again nice post!
Thanks for writing this. Extremely timely.
Wow. Excellent well written and powerful post!
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Reblogged this on assuntamaria's Blog.
Oh! Wow this is a beautiful post. Thank you!
Thank you, for reminding me that there is no “failure”, just experience. Your words made me cry.
Great post. Thank you for writing it.
Reblogged this on jmacarpio.
Great writing. Loved your post.:)
Its really beautiful. The child is beautiful. Had heard abt it that if one wants to be happy independently and simply remain happy for no specific reason then one has to be either mad or a child.
Very nice.
Reblogged this on Krystle Arellano.
I was trying to avoid this even though it pinged me many times in my mind . After reading this I thing it’s time for me to actually ping back .
Ping!
What if I fail? It’s still a learning and experience…. Nicely written…:)
Awesome post! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I have DID; I slip from one version of me to another. The different versions are mostly unaware of one another. It is good if they can learn to connect somehow.
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Beautiful. Exactly what I needed. I kinda did the same last night, I just let the inner me speak while I drove without any music and I heard myself. I learned a lot from your post. THANK YOU.
Pretty good post
Reblogged this on demetrius13 and commented:
Beautiful post- full of wisdom and compassion!
From this i conclude that there is affirmatives statement for phobia.
I say i.e. scare should be treated as the another motivation to get advance.
I like your thoughts alot
Beautifully written ? what a great read!
REJECTION HURTS!
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Wonderful! You never need to feel lonely with words like these you will always have followers
Wonderful post 🙂 Keep writing!
Wow! Amazing expression.
Reblogged this on crowdCONNX and commented:
Worth a read or six.
Your writing is just like heaven. Thank you so much!!
It’s like you wrote it for me!
This was beautiful. I am crying.
Reblogged this on grace on purpose and commented:
This… this is exactly where I am right now.
This is so honest and beautiful and relatable. Thank you for bringing your truth to the table.
So thoughtfully articulated. I truly appreciated this acceptance of the inner voice and acknowledgement of facing your internal monologues. Thank you!
This was so eloquently written. I needed this, thank you so much.
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AMAZING!!!!!!
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Hello andrew,
Awesome post that can help everyone to start living their life with new enthusiasm…..
Thanks a lot…
What a wonderful post!
Thanks for sharing this. It serves as a nice reminder that there is a child in all of us. Enjoyed the post.
thelonelyauthorblog
Wonderful
This post is beautiful. And exactly the type of game I need to play. Thank you for writing!
Very insightful, I enjoyed it!!
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Love this! The more we get outdoors, the greater our life becomes. Check out: Bluewater.com about stories like yours.
Reblogged this on lifeneednofilter.
No wonder they say that life is a game…A constant battle of us against ourselves..what we once were against what we become over time..the innocence of childhood versus the gruesome reality..
Extremely thought provoking post!
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i want to write same as you.. beautiful speech..
Great to hear from you! Josh and I were just talking about you yesterday!!!
hehe
Reblogged this on ibrahima657.
amazing
Brilliant! Thanks for this.
I can down with that! Just got to keep the inner me at bay when I’m in a meeting at work. Ha ha.
Wow! What a great read?
Redefining the four letter word : LOVE
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I like the idea of this game. It’s simplistic and real enough to help me out. I might give it a shot. Thanks, man.
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Wow, this was incredible. I loved it!
Lovely post!!
This is amazing. To be honest it is similar to my style of writing. I love it! Please when you have the time check out my site perceptionofplaz.wordpress.com
Lovely! I really enjoyed it.
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Truly amazing… Damn, I need to stop using drugs haha. Great read
You’ve hit a nerve! Well done!
Beautiful!
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Good stuff!
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I like. 🙂 Nice greetings
Amazing!
I’m so glad I stopped by. This was so raw yet encouraging. Well done!!
Like the way you mine your own experience for nuggets of truth. I try something of the same on https://davekingsbury.wordpress.com
Very inspiring . Pls follow me @ http://www.thevoiceoflagj12.wordpress.com
I like the pic so much. 🙂
We’re all pretending somewhere somehow. Beautifully written, so genuine. <3
This an absolutely beautiful post! I love it 🙂
You write beautifully
Reblogged this on silkrails and commented:
I have learn something today…Thanks.
Wow, this was incredible. I loved it!
You are too good, man..
Lovely read! Well done!!
This is so relevant to me… Thank you
amazing..reading
Beautiful,just Beautiful
love it!
Thank You. Very well written; enjoyable read.