One fun game

by | Sep 28, 2015 | Uncategorized | 143 comments

Sometimes it feels like there’s a trembling child inside me, even though I see a bearded man staring back at me from the mirror these days. One fun game is to let the little boy speak, instead of pretending he’s not there. This is a good game to play, because I’ve noticed as soon as I start pretending, faking it, the reality surrounding me seems to know somehow, like a shark smells blood in the water. At this, it immediately sets about the task of making me honest again, which often involves getting humbled in some way. Humbled: comes from the Latin root humilis (on the ground), which comes from humus (the earth, the soil). In other words, if I’m not being real – expressing my truest self in each moment – the intelligence of life will, sooner or later, bring me back down into the truthful dirt, the dirt from which I came, the dirt that feeds the food I eat, the dirt I will someday become again.

So, how to stay real? How to root down deep into the dirt of my truth instead of getting body slammed back into it after a trip up into the clouds? One way: let the little child inside me speak.

“I have no idea what I’m doing. Not a clue. Nothing but blankness.”

“I’m scared. Like, really fucking scared.”

“But what if it’s lonely? What if it hurts? What if I fail?”

Even just giving voice to the fear, the frailty, it helps. No answers needed. But sometimes answers do arise, from the old man inside. That’s the next level of this game, the expansion pack. The old man always offers something.

“You don’t need to know what you’re doing. You’re already doing it. It’s like breathing. You don’t need to know how, you just do. So keep breathing. Keep being you, and all the rest will follow.”

“And it’s okay to be scared. Nothing wrong with that. Allow it. Don’t pretend you’re not. Really be scared. But watch it, at the same time. Watch the fear. Where does it come from? How does it change? Where does it go when it’s gone, and what is it, anyway? What actually is it? Can you track it like that? Can you pin it down? You won’t be able to, because it’s a ghost in your head, a temporary state of mind, and its power over you is directly related to how much you believe it is real. Real, as in: the truth. The truth, as in: that which you are here to discover. So again, just keep breathing. Let your breath take you there.”

“And the question isn’t, ‘What if it’s lonely?’ because it will be lonely sometimes. Simply. Unavoidably. That’s just a part of it. Rather, the question is: ‘What to do with the loneliness when it comes?’ Here’s what: as soon as you accept it, it won’t be so unbearable, won’t be something you spend your entire life trying to escape. It’s just an experience, and the fear of it is another mind-ghost that very well might disappear when you take a good look at it. Embrace your loneliness. So much easier that way.”

“And ‘What if it hurts?’ you ask. It will hurt. Start the process of accepting that now, and spare yourself the dreadful anticipation. Watch your fear again. Fear begins somewhere with the rejection of pain, the belief that there might be some way to avoid it, by isolating yourself or deceiving others or hurting them before they hurt you. Or maybe a drug will do the trick, or some heady philosophy, or a guru with all the answers, or a lover. Fear can become the motivator for anything if you haven’t accepted that pain and disintegration are a part of being human. The You that’s in an active and compassionate relationship with your pain is the You that will set you free and connect you with every human being on the earth. The other you that refuses to accept your pain, your vulnerability, is the you that fears and suffers in isolation.”

“And your final question: ‘What if I fail?’ Oh, my sweet, trembling child. There’s no such thing as failure. There’s only experience. There’s only learning. It comes in different forms, but it is all equal, and it is all sacred.”

So I’ve been playing that game tonight – the little boy and the old man hashing it out in the silence of my empty apartment. And now it’s late, and certainly time to sleep. I’m heading out early for harvest work at this vegetable farm tomorrow, walking around barefoot in the dirt all day.

143 Comments

  1. jessicastoreydils
    jessicastoreydils on September 28, 2015 at 12:38 pm

    You always bring light to my day and my journey…beautiful post, Andrew. Here’s to feet in the dirt…

    Reply
  2. Teresa Grey
    Teresa Grey on September 28, 2015 at 12:40 pm

    Wow, this was just what I needed ton hear today. Thanks!

    We miss you!!

    Reply
  3. Jennifer*
    Jennifer* on September 28, 2015 at 3:06 pm

    Andrew, this is a wonderful sharing! It reminds me exactly of the Inner Child and Inner Family work I learned from my teacher Lucia Capacchione, PhD. You are such a wise soul. All the best and much love to you. …J*

    Reply
  4. Mirtha
    Mirtha on September 29, 2015 at 12:20 am

    Andrew,

    I’ve been following your blog for a few years now, always in silence but always profoundly moved by your posts.

    But now I just have to say how directly you spoke to my soul–addressing the things I’m struggling with right now, but then saying the things that I know the “old woman” in me is saying. I’m just not listening.

    Putting your work out into the world is never easy, but please know, Andrew, that it is so necessary for people to read your words. Thank you. Thank you.

    -M

    Reply
    • wanderandrew
      wanderandrew on October 7, 2015 at 10:28 pm

      Thanks, Mirtha. So glad it landed.

      Reply
  5. alexishigginbotham
    alexishigginbotham on September 29, 2015 at 12:35 am

    Whoa, Andrew. I wish you lived closer so I could wrap you in a bear hug and then shake you by the shoulders. xxx

    Reply
  8. assuntamaria
    assuntamaria on October 7, 2015 at 9:48 pm

    You spoke to my child and she felt hugged.

    Reply
  9. assuntamaria
    assuntamaria on October 7, 2015 at 9:51 pm

    Such honesty and wisdom, brought a tear. Thank you human. Would you like to join my writing group?

    Reply
  11. whitneym007
    whitneym007 on October 7, 2015 at 11:07 pm

    Good post, spoke to me. Right in the midst of things; thanks!

    Reply
  12. jessamayann
    jessamayann on October 7, 2015 at 11:52 pm

    Love this.. Completely get it!

    Reply
  15. Pooja Kiran
    Pooja Kiran on October 8, 2015 at 12:26 am

    And yes Its alrite to get scared,coz we all are mortal and pain demands to be felt

    Reply
  16. Heathington
    Heathington on October 8, 2015 at 12:39 am

    Beautiful. This post really got me thinking, thank you!

    Reply
  17. Gold Standard Test
    Gold Standard Test on October 8, 2015 at 12:52 am

    “And your final question: ‘What if I fail?’ Oh, my sweet, trembling child. There’s no such thing as failure. There’s only experience. There’s only learning. It comes in different forms, but it is all equal, and it is all sacred.”

    This is so beautiful. And I so needed to hear it tonight. A nod (and a hug) to the writer behind the ‘old man.’

    Reply
  18. jae
    jae on October 8, 2015 at 1:28 am

    exactly what i needed. thanks.

    always,
    jae
    xo

    Reply
  20. guerillalovely
    guerillalovely on October 8, 2015 at 2:03 am

    Beautiful, thank you for this tidbit of wisdom

    Reply
  22. hbcpm
    hbcpm on October 8, 2015 at 2:40 am

    This brought me so much clarity and peace tonight. Thank you!

    Reply
  24. sumaica
    sumaica on October 8, 2015 at 7:36 am

    Amazingly written !

    Reply
  25. retardedgiraffe
    retardedgiraffe on October 8, 2015 at 7:41 am

    Hey guys please check out my blogs i post really cool stuffs.

    Reply
  27. helodiefazzalari
    helodiefazzalari on October 8, 2015 at 10:51 am

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    Reply
  29. wordcaged
    wordcaged on October 8, 2015 at 12:11 pm

    Sincerely loved it !!

    Reply
  30. michaelpcampbell
    michaelpcampbell on October 8, 2015 at 12:40 pm

    I love the stories about reminiscing about the olds days as a kid. I sometimes think about what if I could go back and be a kid again. Love your story. Nashvillephotogblog.wordpress.com

    Reply
  31. mrvarun
    mrvarun on October 8, 2015 at 1:52 pm

    Beautiful post.

    Reply
  32. anesmit3
    anesmit3 on October 8, 2015 at 2:06 pm

    I like this post. I can identify with your fears of failure and rejection. I like how you made time for your inner child. We should all do it more often.

    Reply
  34. M.C. Easton
    M.C. Easton on October 8, 2015 at 2:54 pm

    Thanks, Andrew! All so true–our younger self is often so obsessed with judgments and labels (like failure and loneliness) that we overlook what wise, old souls like yours know: the richness of experience, both pleasant and unpleasant, and the growth that comes through it matter so much more than those labels. Or our own comfort. Great post, sir.

    Reply
  35. Lael
    Lael on October 8, 2015 at 3:10 pm

    My heart is smiling. How lucky are we to have both a younger, wild self and an older wise self.

    Reply
  36. Janelle
    Janelle on October 8, 2015 at 3:59 pm

    What beautiful writing. This resonated with me on such a deep level. I’ve always felt such a pressure to deny the “inner child,” what an interesting experiment to embrace it.

    Reply
  38. thegypsy
    thegypsy on October 8, 2015 at 4:24 pm

    Beautiful post. Really resonates with where I am in life.

    Reply
  41. librini
    librini on October 8, 2015 at 5:47 pm

    I think I killed my child long time ago.

    Reply
    • wanderandrew
      wanderandrew on October 8, 2015 at 10:52 pm

      Wow, such raw honesty here. One thought comes to mind: maybe your child is alive, and the thing you killed was your willingness to let the child speak. Working to cultivate that willingness. I don’t know, just a thought. Sending you my very best.

      Reply
    • cathy
      cathy on October 10, 2015 at 8:17 am

      No, it isn’t dead. Try asking the child a question, and letting it answer with a pencil in your non dominant hand. As long as we are alive, the child is alive as well.

      Reply
      • librini
        librini on October 11, 2015 at 6:51 pm

        Interesting… I will try…. Thks

        Reply
  42. sanoberkhan
    sanoberkhan on October 8, 2015 at 5:53 pm

    Literally awesome! Great inspiration for everyone

    Reply
  44. stephellaneous
    stephellaneous on October 8, 2015 at 6:51 pm

    Reblogged this on stephellaneous and commented:
    This post couldn’t have been timelier (more timely?) for me to read. And I’m so glad I stumbled upon it. I relate to a freakish degree with the author, as my little girl and old woman frequently hash things out in the silence of my emptiness. I needed these words today. And who knows, maybe you do, too.

    Reply
  47. HEY NAEL
    HEY NAEL on October 8, 2015 at 8:27 pm

    I am facing very difficult choices lately, and this post just reminded me how futile most of my hesitations are. Let’s be that kid too.

    http://heyynael.wordpress.com

    Reply
  51. Caitlynn Didlick
    Caitlynn Didlick on October 8, 2015 at 10:45 pm

    Wow, this hits so true for so many people. Thank you, I have needed this…

    Reply
  52. dreadraffer
    dreadraffer on October 9, 2015 at 12:25 am

    this is really a good one 🙂

    Reply
  53. Creative Scientist
    Creative Scientist on October 9, 2015 at 1:12 am

    Wow very inspiring and powerful post! You can read my posts for any inspiration, motivation or fashion tips! Once again nice post!

    Reply
  54. stevereinke99
    stevereinke99 on October 9, 2015 at 3:23 am

    Thanks for writing this. Extremely timely.

    Reply
  57. mrklsbd
    mrklsbd on October 9, 2015 at 6:51 am

    Oh! Wow this is a beautiful post. Thank you!

    Reply
  58. thetruth79
    thetruth79 on October 9, 2015 at 8:01 am

    Thank you, for reminding me that there is no “failure”, just experience. Your words made me cry.

    Reply
  62. sudikshaupt
    sudikshaupt on October 9, 2015 at 2:47 pm

    Its really beautiful. The child is beautiful. Had heard abt it that if one wants to be happy independently and simply remain happy for no specific reason then one has to be either mad or a child.

    Reply
  65. nehatata
    nehatata on October 9, 2015 at 4:09 pm

    I was trying to avoid this even though it pinged me many times in my mind . After reading this I thing it’s time for me to actually ping back .

    Reply
  66. VE
    VE on October 10, 2015 at 5:59 am

    What if I fail? It’s still a learning and experience…. Nicely written…:)

    Reply
  67. Kally
    Kally on October 10, 2015 at 6:09 am

    Awesome post! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

    Reply
  68. cathy
    cathy on October 10, 2015 at 8:18 am

    I have DID; I slip from one version of me to another. The different versions are mostly unaware of one another. It is good if they can learn to connect somehow.

    Reply
  70. gabushe
    gabushe on October 10, 2015 at 2:04 pm

    Beautiful. Exactly what I needed. I kinda did the same last night, I just let the inner me speak while I drove without any music and I heard myself. I learned a lot from your post. THANK YOU.

    Reply
  72. demetrius13
    demetrius13 on October 10, 2015 at 4:23 pm

    Reblogged this on demetrius13 and commented:
    Beautiful post- full of wisdom and compassion!

    Reply
  73. manavmehta2403
    manavmehta2403 on October 10, 2015 at 5:24 pm

    From this i conclude that there is affirmatives statement for phobia.
    I say i.e. scare should be treated as the another motivation to get advance.

    Reply
  76. Frankie Banks
    Frankie Banks on October 10, 2015 at 10:58 pm

    Wonderful! You never need to feel lonely with words like these you will always have followers

    Reply
  81. aquine3
    aquine3 on October 11, 2015 at 1:12 pm

    It’s like you wrote it for me!

    Reply
  84. cascadingchaos
    cascadingchaos on October 12, 2015 at 2:00 am

    This is so honest and beautiful and relatable. Thank you for bringing your truth to the table.

    Reply
  85. Rachel Ann
    Rachel Ann on October 12, 2015 at 4:41 am

    So thoughtfully articulated. I truly appreciated this acceptance of the inner voice and acknowledgement of facing your internal monologues. Thank you!

    Reply
  86. lexivolcek
    lexivolcek on October 12, 2015 at 4:45 am

    This was so eloquently written. I needed this, thank you so much.

    Reply
  90. sanghvideep
    sanghvideep on October 12, 2015 at 7:09 am

    Hello andrew,
    Awesome post that can help everyone to start living their life with new enthusiasm…..
    Thanks a lot…

    Reply
  91. Reyna H
    Reyna H on October 12, 2015 at 7:27 am

    What a wonderful post!

    Reply
  92. Nightwriter11
    Nightwriter11 on October 12, 2015 at 3:31 pm

    Thanks for sharing this. It serves as a nice reminder that there is a child in all of us. Enjoyed the post.
    thelonelyauthorblog

    Reply
  93. abla70
    abla70 on October 12, 2015 at 5:47 pm

    Wonderful

    Reply
  94. corlosky
    corlosky on October 12, 2015 at 6:41 pm

    This post is beautiful. And exactly the type of game I need to play. Thank you for writing!

    Reply
  95. veggiegal17
    veggiegal17 on October 12, 2015 at 8:04 pm

    Very insightful, I enjoyed it!!
    Check out my blog:
    Youmeandmyveggie.wordpress.com

    Reply
  96. Tina Carlson-Dreffin
    Tina Carlson-Dreffin on October 12, 2015 at 8:32 pm

    Love this! The more we get outdoors, the greater our life becomes. Check out: Bluewater.com about stories like yours.

    Reply
  98. saniabudhraja
    saniabudhraja on October 13, 2015 at 4:52 pm

    No wonder they say that life is a game…A constant battle of us against ourselves..what we once were against what we become over time..the innocence of childhood versus the gruesome reality..
    Extremely thought provoking post!

    Reply
  100. d412arriesgado
    d412arriesgado on October 13, 2015 at 11:02 pm

    i want to write same as you.. beautiful speech..

    Reply
  101. Tina Hubert
    Tina Hubert on October 14, 2015 at 12:22 am

    Great to hear from you! Josh and I were just talking about you yesterday!!!

    Reply
  105. W.I.L.L.
    W.I.L.L. on October 14, 2015 at 4:24 pm

    Brilliant! Thanks for this.

    Reply
  106. wordizborn
    wordizborn on October 14, 2015 at 6:32 pm

    I can down with that! Just got to keep the inner me at bay when I’m in a meeting at work. Ha ha.

    Reply
  108. fufunalphabetsoup
    fufunalphabetsoup on October 14, 2015 at 8:27 pm

    I like the idea of this game. It’s simplistic and real enough to help me out. I might give it a shot. Thanks, man.

    Reply
  110. Reyna H
    Reyna H on October 15, 2015 at 4:22 pm

    Wow, this was incredible. I loved it!

    Reply
  112. perceptionplazz
    perceptionplazz on October 15, 2015 at 5:30 pm

    This is amazing. To be honest it is similar to my style of writing. I love it! Please when you have the time check out my site perceptionofplaz.wordpress.com

    Reply
  115. bootygrabber80
    bootygrabber80 on October 16, 2015 at 12:26 am

    Truly amazing… Damn, I need to stop using drugs haha. Great read

    Reply
  116. Cynthia G.
    Cynthia G. on October 16, 2015 at 2:14 am

    You’ve hit a nerve! Well done!

    Reply
  119. netti87
    netti87 on October 17, 2015 at 7:39 pm

    I like. 🙂 Nice greetings

    Reply
  121. KP
    KP on October 18, 2015 at 7:09 pm

    I’m so glad I stopped by. This was so raw yet encouraging. Well done!!

    Reply
  124. netti87
    netti87 on October 20, 2015 at 12:16 pm

    I like the pic so much. 🙂

    Reply
  125. Diana
    Diana on October 20, 2015 at 6:04 pm

    We’re all pretending somewhere somehow. Beautifully written, so genuine. <3

    Reply
  126. tofeelornot2feel
    tofeelornot2feel on October 20, 2015 at 11:46 pm

    This an absolutely beautiful post! I love it 🙂

    Reply
  128. mamat2015
    mamat2015 on October 22, 2015 at 12:38 pm

    Reblogged this on silkrails and commented:
    I have learn something today…Thanks.

    Reply
  129. hiro812
    hiro812 on October 24, 2015 at 2:37 am

    Wow, this was incredible. I loved it!

    Reply
  132. Rebecca
    Rebecca on November 5, 2015 at 7:10 am

    This is so relevant to me… Thank you

    Reply
  134. farrcon
    farrcon on November 6, 2015 at 7:09 pm

    Beautiful,just Beautiful

    Reply
  136. lauralcomfort
    lauralcomfort on November 12, 2015 at 10:37 pm

    Thank You. Very well written; enjoyable read.

    Reply

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