This blog has been quite silent for the past two years, but I’d like to change that, use it as a space to start walking again, exploring the worlds inside and out. I’m going to post something every Sunday, just little thoughts or stories, little journeys. A way to hold myself accountable to the continued miracle of simply being here. A way to show up to the questions and complexities that float my way. So, a little discipline. We’ll try every Sunday and see how that goes.
For today, an inward trip:
It’s fascinating what comes up in silence and solitude, when all that’s left to distract you is your own mind. Nowhere else to go. Nothing else to do. Just being here and watching what comes up: the flash insights, the long shadows, the interpretations and the reinterpretations. Close the eyes and there is a roiling cosmos in this stillness, thoughts and opinions contradicting each other, inexplicable images of untraceable origin, a cacophony of memory and fantasy. Driving all of it, for me at least, is the longing to understand and belong, to love and be loved, and the occasional whisper that this longing might remain a longing forever, unanswered, unrealized. Sometimes, it’s better to just get lost in Youtube. Forget the roiling cosmos for a while.
But whenever I tune out like that, I miss the little one-liners, those diamonds from the deep. No other way to get them but to tune in. Turn in. Listen. I found one yesterday morning, or it found me, the curious experience of saying aloud to myself, “I will never abandon you.” Writing about it now, there’s an added layer of self-consciousness that colors the scene with some silliness, but in the moment I was alone, experiencing it, and it was nothing if not gravely serious, backed by the understanding that it is indeed possible for me to abandon myself. That I have abandoned myself before, many times. Every time I said “yes” even though I wanted to say “no.” Every time I said “no” even though I knew “yes” was the way. Every instance of shame and the resulting shut down. Every moment of judgment and comparison, of rejection in all its subtle forms, and the almost inevitable outcome of these inner movements: a rapid running away. Tuning out. Lost in the Youtube of mind, or the actual Youtube.
One of my mom’s greatest one-liners is this: “You are the love of your life.” Yesterday morning, I spoke to myself that way, as if I were speaking to the love of my life, with a fierce tenderness: “I will never abandon you.”
For a second, there arose a sense of great relief, as if I’d been waiting to hear this for years, anxious it might never come. I felt free, the kind of freedom born out of a complete (if momentary) needlessness. No need for anyone to promise me anything, or to concern myself with what they might think and why. No need to walk on existential eggshells. No need to edit or enhance whatever happens, or fix it or break it or change it in any way, because no matter what, “I will never abandon you.” Feeling, for a moment, the strength of someone willing to let in the fullness of every experience, someone who doesn’t run away when it gets painful or terrifying or even just awkward. The strength of an unconditional commitment to really being here.
How to remember that feeling? I guess that’s the idea of a mantra. You say it over and over again, countless times, until you become what you are saying:
“I am here.”
“I am here.”
“I am here.”
Welcome back.
Thanks for the reminder, Andrew…sending love & hugs, Marie
I must admit, I am reading this while listening to You tube – Sara Baraeilles, She used to be mine. And WOW- the two of them, the music and the words from the song and your words intertwined…. now has me in tears. Beautiful.
Very powerful. I’ll become the love my my life from now on:D. Great post.
well good ! Am ready to hear more from you ! Dave Wassenaar DAVE THE MOVER LLC “since 1492” 540 229 9999 cell phone
Hey Dave, I remember you well. We talked at that Wendy’s right? Hope all’s well!
Andrew, Thank you for this! So glad you are continuing- I will look forward to your Sunday thoughts. xo ann >
Wow, I needed this. Your thoughts are so beautiful. Thank you for sharing, and for being so good to you today.
I just read your post and it is so thought-provoking- thanks for sharing! Ray just retired and his “retirement trip” was to go to Spain- Fatima- Lourdes. That included Santiago de Compostela (my request!)- we thought of you. We only walked to the edge of the city and watched pilgrims coming in but that was so inspiring. All our best to you —
So, so glad to know you will be writing blogs again. Your writing is exquisite.
Life can be and is a living meditation.
You live it so well
Looking forward to talking soon, Archie. Next weekend, perhaps…Hope all’s well!
A careful, thoughtful post – very much in the spirit of Montaigne, who began with a considered look at himself before venturing out. I shall follow your example in my own blog on https://davekingsbury.wordpress.com
Thanks, Dave. Here’s to the exploration.
I’m finding your reflections personally helpful, thanks for sharing them!!
Great, and so good to hear from you, Tina. Hope all’s well with the beautiful family!
I really enjoyed reading this! I blogged 2 years ago too and just came back a month or so ago. I also decided 1 post a week was doable. I look forward to reading more from you, your writing gets under my skin, in a good way!
Yay! See you Sunday. 🙂
Yay! See you Sunday. 🙂
Wow wow wow. Felt like you were inside my head, so I guess that means we all for the most part experience similar feelings and thoughts. Although so many times I busy myself with other things , many times meaningless so I don’t have to touch that part of me. Thanks for articulating it so well. Are you still in NY?